"Psychologist, can you prevent the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?" At the love workshop, a male student asked me this question. Now I seemed to see the man who had not made a girlfriend yet! I think if he has always been willing to explore and change his attitude, the girl who loves him in the future can really be much easier.  

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a study. Different professions have different suggestions, and different roles have different views on this matter. What I want to share in this article is "Suggestions from psychologists to unmarried men", discussing how to prevent future problems of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law by adjusting the relationship between family members.

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Figure 1

Figure 1 shows that it will cause problems with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. In the interview room, I heard that families with serious mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems usually have several similar background factors. If your family has more factors, then you can foresee the higher the difficulty of finding a suitable partner to date. Even if you get married, it will be difficult for your partner to coexist with your original family at a pleasant distance.

First, Parents and Marriage Discord: There are all kinds of problems between husband and wife. No matter what the reason, as long as the couple lacks love and support for a long time, it is easy to cause one of the parties and their children to be too attached.

Second. One party lacks personal support: When couples lack attractiveness and support for each other, and then individuals have social difficulties, narrow circles, and lack of interest. They have no goals in life, no focus or sense of accomplishment in life, which makes it difficult to shift their attention from their children's lives, and even need to participate greatly in their children's personal lives to gain a sense of existence, and thus distract children from the energy to establish a close relationship.

Third, one party is alienated from the family: The common code for couples to lose harmony is that if one is a ally with the child, he will form an alliance with the child to fight against the other, causing one person to be too attached to the child and the other person to be forced to alienate. Because the child is involved in the struggle between his parents, he cannot devote himself to the life of his classmates and develop social and close ties that suit his age.

Fourth, children are regarded as "replacement companions": they share their parents' thoughts every day, and they treat their parents with no reservations to their lives. In this way, what time and effort do they have to find their companions?

Xiao Wei came to discuss the issue of a close relationship. He is the only son in the family. His sister and he are over 30 years old and have not talked about a similar love. In the past few years, he began to think about understanding his difficulties in a close relationship. The marriage relationship between Xiao Wei's parents has always been bad. The mother focuses on the two children. The mother has high demands on her sister, but she especially loves Xiao Wei. The sister can't bear the mother's strictness and leaves home early. Xiao Wei and her mother depend on each other for their lives.

Figure 2

Of course, it is difficult for Xiao Wei to develop a close relationship. Figure 2 shows that when the son has a partner and the two are close, how will the mother who is accustomed to the son view the son's companionship? Will you be very close to the father who is regarded as an enemy to distribute to the enemy? In the original family triangle relationship, the father is a lack of being excluded, such as the perpetrator or enemy. If there is no change, the position left to the companion in the future triangle relationship is also a big lack. This does not matter who you choose. Regardless of the other party’s conditions or personality, basically anyone who is put into such an interactive position will be regarded as a destructor from the outside. This is a classic family interaction that carries out the opposition between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Here, if gender is the opposite, it also makes sense. At the discussion of the love workshop, a female student said that because her mother relies very much on her, her journey of love is often bumpy. On the one hand, her mother lowers her feminine charm, and on the other hand, she is arrogant and picky about possible objects, and uses all kinds of ways to prevent her from developing love. As a daughter, she is like being washed by her brain in the end. She has been afraid of love for many years.

Figure 3

So how can we give more space and possibilities to our future companionship location? Figure 3 shows 3 changes:

The first one is not feasible from the perspective of children, because in international relations, we can only change our own international relations, that is, mother-son relations or father-son relations. However, the relationship between parents and husband-wife is something we should not intervene, and we should not intervene. Both are mature adults. If we hope that our private lives will not be interfered with by our parents, then why do we feel that we have the right to interfere with our parents' lives? Many children plan to improve their parents' relationship with each other and ultimately fail to give up more than one month of their lives.

The second one, restore the alienated family relationship. In my interview with a case, this is usually not the first step, because many times, when the sticky family relationship becomes bounded, the alienated family relationship will naturally be restored. On the contrary, when the sticky relationship cannot be adjusted, the alienated relationship will usually be stuck and difficult to move.

For example, when you can keep a proper distance from your mother, no longer just sympathize with her, no longer pursue her recognition, you can see that all family interactions from a new perspective, and you may find that the mother is set as a estranged father and that with the side you have never paid attention to, the more objectivity and uncontaminated father-son relationship will be restored.

The third one, which is also the focus of this article, is to adjust the family relationship without boundaries. What should I do specifically? Here I recommend a new book recently translated and published, called "Adaptive Dependence", which is a good book on relationships written by clinical treatment technicians and dependent relations experts..

If you have a double relative who overestimates yours, what should you do? The author suggests three changes in the book, which is also the method I often introduce during the conversation:

First, encourage autonomous behavior: borrow the method of behavioralism, and to make the other party change the behavior they expect. The first step is to stop rewarding the behavior you do not expect, that is, rely on behavior, and encourage autonomous behavior.

For example, if Xiao Wei's mother has to talk to him every day, Xiao Wei can change her routine and make the conversation happen without time and space. After a period of time, the mother's consultation needs will turn in other directions, and may change to other family members or friends. Xiao Wei can be used to affirm her mother's changes at any time, but he must be careful not to remind her that she has not talked about this.

Second, set the flexibility limit: the relationship between sticky and sticky needs to set the boundary line, which is the basic element of every health relationship. Using the example of daily conversation, Xiao Wei can use words and behaviors to let his mother know when to chat and enjoy listening or sharing what content.

For example, when Xiao Wei works overtime and goes home at 11 o'clock, he should go to the door to say that he has no way to talk. When he is free on the weekend, Xiao Wei can spend time to actively chat with his mother at the living room; when the topic involves privacy, Xiao Wei will have to transfer the topic or not respond. If the mother is too emotional, or there are many negative feelings for others in the conversation, Xiao Wei can directly or find reasons to interrupt the conversation. These are all behaviors that set boundaries. The meaning of being flexible is to adjust according to the situation, but the original intention and goal are not changed. Only by persevering will you succeed.

Third, develop a new reaction model: Many people will mistake this suggestion to help the other party find a solution to the problem. For example, if a child suggests how the mother communicates with the father, and the two people will not quarrel. This approach is likely to not succeed. If successful, it will aggravate the other party's dependence on you. It is better to extend the first approach. When you do not respond to the other party's dependent behavior, the other party will develop new behaviors due to their needs. In the process of developing new behaviors, you can help improve skills or consolidate new models.

Continue the above example. When the mother starts to develop and gets involved with people other than her son, this is a new way to solve loneliness for her. If the mother encounters difficulties, Xiao Wei can help her at any time. For example, the mother chats with friends, but occasionally she suffers setbacks when the chat is unpleasant. At this time, Xiao Wei can give the mother the same and encourage the mother to give the other party more opportunities, or expand the circle of friends. Overall, you should encourage the other party to develop independent problem-solving capabilities rather than directly helping the other party solve problems.

The above three changes in directions start from a small part of life. It is easy to talk about, but it is extremely difficult to do.

Xiao Wei must be clear about the family and his own issues, overcome the guilt of being attached to his mother, and after several major conflicts, the mother has time and opportunity to think about his second half of his life, and Xiao Wei also has a girlfriend whom he can talk to. He decided to move out and live by himself, so that he and his girlfriend have a more abundant life. When the mentally healthy and the relationship line is established, the physical distance can help individuals develop the life they want faster.

"Adaptive Reliance" can make everyone's relationships healthy and prevent many relationship problems, not only family or mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's relationship.

After reading the article, I tried to do a health check on several important international relationships I have seen. Think about which relationships are too close and which ones are too distant? Start practicing gradually today, adjusting the deep-rooted instinctive reactions, adjusting the relationship to the right distance from each small interaction, giving your world and life more possibilities.